Oxygen-Deprived Kids

Let’s take a break from all this political talk, and discuss something that is less controversial: suffocating children.

picture via Petoskey News Review

We here at ARRRG have heard a lot about masks. We are not referring to Halloween costumes nor the weird things you put on your face while role playing with your spouse. We are talking about facial coverings that filter infectious droplets of spittle and (hopefully) halitosis.

One of the super popular things to do these days is to show up at meetings and during public comment, demand an end to masks. Parents take to the mic and insist that their children have a right to breathe. Then, they drag their children to the mic to make a victim impact statement. They demand that the Commissioners use their God-like powers to remove the mask mandate and allow the suffocating, oxygen-deprived young victims suck in the beautiful smells of a typical middle school.

We need more data on this. Specifically, we want to know how kids feel about having to wear these masks all the time. So, we decided to conduct a survey. To do this, we sent our Data Coordinator – Jim the Pirate – to a local school playground and ask kids for their opinions.

Here are the exciting results:

  • 20% of respondents said that they were not allowed to talk to strangers
  • 20% of respondents asked “Why are you dressed like a pirate, loser?”
  • 20% of respondents said “blah blah blah … [Marvel movie] is awesome!”
  • 20% of respondents said “Your mom.”
  • 20% of respondents said “I’m calling the cops.”

Jim also reported back that one kid did not respond at all to the questions and just picked his nose while staring at Jim. His “response” was not calculated for this survey.

So, there you have it. The youth have spoken! Thanks to Jim the Pirate, Data Coordinator.

What Jim the Pirate did not report back on is what percentage of kids were actually wearing their masks. If they are anything like adults, 99% of them use a mask as a type of chin diaper most of the time.

Listen, if you’re going to wear the damned thing, then wear it like it should be worn.

There are significant concerns about children wearing masks that health officials should consider. But, health officials have also had to face the fact that COVID-19 is running rampant through the schools. Several county school districts have had to close for days at a time due to not having enough students or staff.

One of the legitimate concerns is not children’s ability to breathe while masked. Surgical masks do not prevent a child from sucking in all the oxygen they need. What may be inhibiting oxygen intake is all the snot they keep snorting farther and farther up their nasal passage instead of blowing it into a tissue. Why do kids hate blowing their nose? It’s weird.

Diseased little kids are dangerous. CDC statistics showed that infection rates among kids was higher than adults aged 50+. The CDC also cited an Israeli study that showed just two infected students attending school resulted in 178 other infections in just two weeks.

The risk of this disease to children is believed to be relatively low. Hospitalizations occur, but are rare. The odds of someone under 18 years old dying of COVID is 0.01%. However, most kids don’t live by themselves.

Little Jonny may be at a very low risk of dying from COVID. But, Little Jonny lives with Grandma. Grandma sits in a recliner watching Fox News all day. While she is yelling at the TV and reposting hate speech on Facebook, Little Jonny is coughing and sneezing up all the COVID he contracted from his little friends at school.

Is Grandma vaccinated? HELLZ NO! (Do you know what the gov’ment puts in them damn needles?!? You don’t? Look it up on the Facebook.)

Unfortunately for Grandma, catching COVID could kill her. 48.7% of all COVID deaths were people over the age of 75. A 75 year old woman has a 18% chance of being hospitalized by COVID and a 4% chance of dying.

Bummer for Grandma.

We don’t want Grandma to die. We want Grandma to keep doing what she’s always done – yelling at the Thanksgiving dinner table about her grand kids listening to “hood music.” We want Grandma to keep judging her nieces and nephews for cohabiting before marriage. We want to constantly pause Christopher Nolan movies and explain to grandma what exactly is going on. We want to keep hiding her social media posts about “the China Flu.” We want her to keep watching Tucker Carlson with the volume at full blast.

Will masks keep Grandma from kicking the COVID bucket? What does the science say about this? Are masks effective at stopping transmission in schools? Let’s ask our Data Coordinator.

Jim the Pirate, will masks keep Grandma from sucking her last desperate breaths from a ventilator?

Jim the Pirate: “Couldn’t hurt”

Thanks, Jim the Pirate.

Whatever you think about kids and masks, you are better off trusting the science and leaving that decision to health officials and experts. You may disagree with them, but showing up to a Board meeting and yelling into Terry VanAlstine’s beard will do you no good.

One day, this will all be over. We will get back to some sort of normal. When that happens, kids will only have to worry about masks during Halloween or whenever they want to have fun. We are all looking forward to that.

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