ARRRG Voters Guide

It is time for county politics. The deadline for candidates to file has passed and now we know who is and who is not running. The following commissioners are not running for reelection:

Ed Boettcher , Karen Bargy, Josh Watrous


Everybody else wants to come back. But, not everybody will come back for a couple reasons. First, the number of commissioners will be reduced this election cycle from 9 to 5. Second, the race is on in every one of the new districts. It is time to kiss some hands and shake some babies!

District One (Elk Rapids/Kewadin) Candidates :

Bill Heffernan (Elephant Party)

Caleb Pero (Elephant Party)

District Two (Ellsworth / Central Lake / Eastport) Candidates:

Melissa Zelenak (Elephant Party)

Politician Jarris Rubingh (Elephant Party)

Raymond Kuiper (Jack Ass Party)

District Three (Bellaire/Alden) Candidates:

Terry VanAlstine (Elephant Party)

Gary Lockwood (Elephant Party)

Fred Goldenberg (Jack Ass Party)

Seth Gernot (Independent)

District Four (Mancelona) Candidates:

Brenda Ricksgers (Elephant Party)

Jason Helwig (Elephant Party)

District Five (Alba/Elmira/Swamp South of East Jordan) Candidates:

Christian Marcus (Elephant Party)

Dawn Lavanway (Elephant Party)

WOW! We have more political candidates than we have Dollar Generals!

Looks like a lot of fun!

As you go around and see these candidates hocking for your votes, you are sure to see their lips moving rapidly as they fire off talking points and promises. When a politician speaks, what comes out of their mouth cavity tends to be the following in this order:

  1. Lies
  2. Unfulfillable Promises
  3. Vacuous Hot Air
  4. Cable News Nonsense
  5. Patriotic Gibberish

If you hear any of these two of these 5 things, you are speaking to one of the lowliest creatures in the county: a politician. Walk away. Get out of there before their idiotic banter robs you of any more of your brain cells.

We are pirates. If we want to trash our brain cells, we do it with rum!

On the off chance that you speak with one of these people and they do not poison your ears with any of these five things, then they might be a human being. You should then check to see if they meet the ARRRG standard for human candidates.

Are they reasonable? Are they rational? Are they responsive to their constituency?

To check this, ask them about some things that the current board loves to avoid:

Ask them about FACILITIES. What is their long-term plan for the county’s various aging, expensive buildings. As soon as they start to tell you that things are pretty good right now in this area, you know they are idiots. Ask them to compare the Animal Control building to the Corrections Facility. Why is dog jail nicer than people jail?

Ask them about LONG TERM PLANNING. What do they think about the financial situation of the county and what investments should be made for the future. If they start telling you that the county needs to tighten up its belt, and be run more like a business, you are speaking to a moron. Businesses are trying to make money. The County provides services efficiently.

Ask them about


When you ask them about this and their response is to parrot TV jargon, or make vague promises, or they clearly have no idea but they prattle on anyway, they are politicians. On the other hand, if they have a reasonable, rational response that is centered on community improvement, you may have a real living human!

If any of these conversations result in a possible human being running, please let us know with the form below. Cheers!

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