Bicycle Shaman!

There are three men and one quasi-human running for District 3 Commissioner.

The Elephant Party: Terry Vanalstine and Gary Lockwood

The Jack Ass Party: Fred Goldenberg

UnDependent: Seth gerNOT

Now, we are not allowed to endorse any candidates and we will not. However, we are allowed to tell you who not to vote for. Do not vote for Seth gerNOT!

What do we actually know about Seth? Well, the ARRRG investigative team found out a lot about this character and voters need to know!

What is in the Carpetbag, Sir?

First of all, Seth registered his candidacy as something called “Independent”. What the hell is that? Everybody knows that you need to be an Elephant or a Jackass. There is no such thing as a political middle. Everybody has to be a pissed off liberal jackass or a pissed off conservative MAGA elephant. There is no other choice. Does he even watch cable news?

The next red flag is, of course, transportation. ARRRG investigators followed Seth for weeks trying to catch him driving drunk. We were hoping to capture this monster running over mailboxes and tearing up lawns all over the Village of Bellaire. Instead, investigators found something worse: he constantly rides a bicycle!

Yikes! Can you believe it? What kind of unpatriotic asshole uses a bike for transportation? This is Michigan. We drive American made cars. Ford and GM are world wide leaders in making cars that last for 50,000 miles, and they didn’t become leaders by putting chains on Huffys. We drive cars in Michigan. If we go to the store, we drive a car. If we go to the neighbors house, we drive a car. If we go from our front yard to our back yard, we drive a car. Get with it, Mr. gerNOT.

He probably can’t be blamed. You know why? He is not even from Michigan! HE IS FROM OHIO!!!

Gross.

But, the scandals don’t end there. Oh, no. We are just getting started.

Satan Rears His Ugly Head

Mr. gerNOT is listed as working at a yoga studio. He has publicly and brazenly claimed to practice yoga. This is a real problem. Yoga has been scientifically proven to be a satanic ritual that leads to demon possession. And this guy wants to be a commissioner? Uh, no thank you.

Perhaps it is his satanic practices that have granted him strange powers. One of these powers is the ability to ignore environmental temperatures. Many area residents have witnessed him practicing this power in the coldest winter days. They have seen him cut a hole in lake ice, disrobe and jump into freezing water! Then, he just sits there in the cold as if it were perfectly normal.

Well, Mr. gerNOT, it is definitely not normal. If you see him around, hide your children. God only knows what else he is capable of.

We asked one of our investigators about these strange powers.

Jim the Pirate: “Maybe he is like a shaman or something. I don’t know.”

Oh my god! We have a devil-fueled shaman running for commissioner!

If only that was everything we have on this guy. But, no. There’s more!

Hide Your Grandmas

We asked a frequent contributor to this blog for comment on the accusations. We asked Ms. Vivian from Kearney Township what she thought of a man disrobing in public and diving into winter waters.

Miss Vivian: “Disrobing you say? In public? Well, he can come on by my house and do that any time he pleases.”

There you have it. This guy is going around seducing our precious grandmothers! On a bike, no doubt!

The Questions Before Us

We reached out to Mr. gerNOT for comment on the accusation contained herein. He did not respond in the 30 seconds that we gave him to do so.

Dear reader, we know how disturbing that it must have been to learn about these harrowing charges. We are sorry, but this is why you turn to ARRRG – for the hard truth. The question that we have before us is whether this Satanic Shaman from OHIO should be allowed to use the position of commissioner to seduce our grandmothers?

Would having this Undependent Cyclist’s devilry on the Board be any better than our current Board?

Wait.

Actually, there is not an obvious answer to that question. Let’s try to re-word it. Would it be better or worse to have this horrible monster on the Board of Commissioners?

I mean… It would have to be worse, right? Right?

Would it?

Would it?

1 Comment

  1. J. Buydon says:

    I am definitely NOT voting for this guy!! wink, wink. Did you see the ‘wink,wink’ at the end….meaning that legally i could still vote for him 😉

    Like

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