Voters Guide

August 2nd is the primary election. Your favorite pirate ship has put together a brief guide for anybody voting in the Elephant Party primary on Tuesday.

Elephant District One

Bill Heffernan

Heffernan recently retired as the probate court administrator after 26 years. He is the chairman of Milton Township’s Planning commission. He told the Retched Beagle that he was running because he enjoyed working with county employees during his career.

Caleb Pero

Pero is a military veteran and works for an excavating company. Should we dig into that?


He told the Retched Beagle that he is running to “bring conservative values back to Antrim County”. Bring them back? What? The Board can’t even approve of meeting minutes without someone complaining about immigration or marijuana.

His social media feed could be a MAGA bingo card. TRUMP! GUNS! JESUS!


Elephant District Two

Politician Jarris Rubingh



Election law-violator

Anti-health department


Pro-useless tax cuts for rich people

Farmer. Did you know that he was a farmer?

Melissa Zelenak

Zelenak previously served on the Board. She is from Central Lake and is the Executive Director for the Conservation District. On her website, she states that if elected, she will not say crazy things at meetings and belittle staff. She also states that she will be rational and work for the whole county’s benefit and not just a few people. That would be really wEirD!

Elephant District Three

Terry VanAlstine

VanAlstine is the Board chairman and thus serves as the Clown in Chief. He’s a MAGA Republican, but at least he acts like an adult. He focuses on county business and that is good. The problem is important projects are not getting done. It seems that he is just fine with that. Stop staring at your beard in the mirror and get to work, Terry!

Gary Lockwood

He isn’t even running.

Elephant District Four

Brenda Ricksgers

Ricksgers is the Board’s resident grandma. Her family owns a horse farm in Alden. She is active in the community. She tends to focus on County business and doesn’t get caught up in the political games.

Jason Helwig

Helwig is from Mancelona and works at a plant in Bellaire. He made the decision to run, but not to actively campaign this go-round. It is understandable. This Board is exhausting.

Elephant District Five

Dawn Lavanway

Lavanway is from East Jordan, where she runs the library. Redistricting put her into the same district as Christian Marcus. Lavanway is always happy to share her bad ideas and say ridiculous things at Board meetings. Nobody can derail a productive meeting like Dawn can!

Christian Marcus

Marcus has served on the Board for a long time. Generally, he can be reasoned with and it is possible to get him to invest in important projects. However, when he gets into the political Kool-Aid, he is just as nutty as Lavanway. His ideas about 😮 election fraud 😮 were awful.

Good luck if you live in District 5!

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