Festivals!

Bellaire is celebrating their annual Rubber Ducky Festival this weekend. For those that are not from the area, you may think that first sentence was a joke. It is not. Also, why are you reading this?

Yes, indeed. For 30 years Bellaire has been celebrating bathing toys. It is weird. But, hey; at least they bathe regularly. Not every part of the County does that… You know who we are talking about. Yeah, you know. Elmira.

Jokes!

Every year, Bellaire hosts music, flea markets, a parade, and awful karaoke. Last night a crew member was downtown Bellaire while some dude was trying (and failing) to sing Radiohead’s “Creep”. He said his ears had never been so poisoned. He returned to the boat, grabbed a knife, and stabbed himself to death. Rest in Peace.

The climactic event of the Festival is, of course, the Race. Hundreds of ducks are dumped into the river, off the bridge near Richardi Park. The mindless ducks float down the river and are collected at the next bridge near Riverside Marina.

Of course, the ducks have numbers that correspond with a donation made to the Chamber of Commerce. If a volunteer scoops your duck out of the water first, you win a prize. How fun!

In Northern Michigan, every town needs a festival for some reason. Ostensibly, these festivals are meant to attract tourists. As if we do not have enough tourists. That is why we appreciate Mancelona’s Bass Festival. That festival clearly repels tourists.

Jokes!

Some festivals are practically nameless. For instance, Alden just has “Days”. Allegedly, Alba also has a festival called “Alba Days”. As far as we can surmise, Alba Days is just a bunch of people driving their lawnmowers and tractors on Alba Highway. So, pretty much like every other day in Alba.

Central Lake does not have an official festival, but they throw a big party around the 4th of July. There are parades and fireworks. Everybody has fun until the residents of Skinkle Rd. emerge from their swamp and scare everyone back into their homes.

Elk Rapids throws a festival for their harbor. People come from all over the state to recognize the fact that Elk Rapids has a harbor.

Ellsworth roasts a pig. Which is not a nice thing to do to your mom. Yikes. Jokes are getting worse. Wrap it up.

Antrim County is welcome to continue trying to attract tourists. But, don’t look for the SS ARRRG floating by in your boat parade. As ornery locals, we will not participate in attracting crowds of downstaters.

Does anybody think we need MORE golfers barfing behind the Bellaire Bar? How many more douchebags from Livonia do we want crashing their rented pontoons? The brown spots in Torch Lake are not all caused by fertilizers.

Using bathing toys to attract unwanted people seems like a terrible idea. But, have fun with your Chicago friends! If you need us, we will be hunkered in a swamp off of Skinkle Rd.

1 Comment

  1. Donna Gundle-Krieg says:

    Speaking of swamps, this blog has hit a new low. I used to laugh, but these jokes about our beautiful towns and the people are not even close to being funny.

    Like

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